Six Reasons You Shouldn’t Pay Authors for Books. (A Guide for Idiots.)

Paying for books is way too mainstream. And what have writers ever done for you, anyway? Instead of buying that new book from a bookstore, do something that nourishes your inner anarchist and download the pirated version instead!

Here’s why it’s a good idea:

1 – It’s so…rebellious. You know that rush of adrenaline when you don’t have to pay for something? You’re practically a folk hero! Sure, writers tend to make less than minimum wage, but repressing them into poverty is worth it. Why? Because you get to pretend you’re subverting an imaginary authority figure. Just like in a movie! Stick it to The Man, you sexy rebel!

2 – Easier to read. PDF files are obviously much more fun to read than well-designed e-books. Artful layouts are no match for Adobe update windows.

3 – Real time saver. It’s soooo hard to click on the Buy button on Amazon. So hard. You should, instead, spend half an hour looking for a cheap alternative. Saving a few bucks is absolutely worth the time you’ll waste.

4 – Writers don’t even want your money. There are plenty of ways for writers to pay for hospital visits, and lots of them have already set up GoFundMe campaigns for their medical bills. I’m sure any writer would agree that working for free and begging from strangers is a good arrangement for them, anything that keeps you from buying stuff like a normal person.

5 – Libraries simply do not exist. Buildings filled with most every book you’ve heard of? Capable of beaming them straight to your phone or e-reader? It’s a pipe dream! There’s no way such an infrastructure could already exist, bought and paid for and ready to give you endless books for no charge. This isn’t Harry Potter!

6 – Malware. Getting .pdf versions of books has lots of neat features, like when you get free software to go with your purchase. The kind of software that collects data and sends it to Who Knows Where. That’s a service you can’t get from normal book sales.

Conclusion: Buying pirated copies of books clearly has no downside. Bonus: thanks to your cold, anti-establishment stance, you can easily ignore the selfish pleas of the impoverished author who needs to buy heart medicine and groceries rather than having just one or the other. And not only do you get to brag to your friends that you didn’t have to pay all of $1.99 for a book (you are so cool), now a bunch of identity thieves know exactly how clever you are!

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