Extroverts, here’s how to help your quiet friends.

They never ask about the weather. They hide behind books in the break room (what are they scheming?) and never take their turn at karaoke. Our so-called “introverted” friends are a burden, for sure.

But don’t fret. To help you deal with the menace of quiet, thoughtful types who never interrupt, I’ve provided answers to the questions extroverts ask the most.

I think my quiet friend is broken because they aren’t participating in fun stuff. Should I drag them out in front of the others and make them have fun?

Yes. Obviously. Rip open their petals and force them to bloom! That’s what friends are for.

It’s good to disturb your friend’s happiness and make them uncomfortable. Otherwise, someone would be enjoying life in their own way instead of enjoying life exactly like you do. Conformity for the win!

My quiet friend isn’t saying much. How can I get them to open up?

Before asking your friend to open up emotionally, see if you can get yourself to open up physically by using a hammer and chisel on your skull. Your quiet friend will probably help; they’ve doubtless considered it many times.

Your friend may be quiet for several reasons. Maybe you’re a terrible conversationalist and your friend has nothing to contribute to your symposium on the verisimilitudes of The Bachelor. It’s also possible that you run your pie hole so often, and so loudly, they would rather stir their coffee than interact with your incoherent ramblings.

My quiet friend doesn’t want to go out. I think we should kidnap them, force them in my car, and drag them to a club. Am I right?

Alternatively, I recommend laying down in front of your friend’s car and having them drive forward, backward, and then forward again to finish the job.

This may surprise you, but using words like “kidnap” and “force” should be a clue that you’re a terrible person.

Have you considered that your friend can find more pleasure from reading Agatha Christie than watching you down shots to the tune of Whitesnake ballads? If not…do you really think you’re more interesting than Agatha Christie? Do you even read, bro?

Everyone at work is loud and fun, except that one quiet guy. How can I help them fit in?

Quit. Your easygoing comrade will get twice as much done when you’re gone, which will in turn help the company. Everybody wins!

But, seriously, where would the workplace be without people like you to make sure we all talk exactly the right amount?

I’m worried that my quiet friend doesn’t say anything because he hates me.

He might. You’re obsessed with his approval and are closely monitoring his behavior. This would drive anyone mad. Have you considered that you are a stalker with mental health problems?

My friends says they’re an introvert, but I saw them audition for a play. Are they lying about being introverted?

Let’s hope that’s the case. Otherwise, you’d have to question whether or not you know what the word “introverted” means. Then you’d have to look it up and adjust your behavior accordingly.

Let’s face it. We both know you’re not going to do that. Go confront your friend about their lies.

My friend is being quiet at a party, which bothers me because I can’t tell if they’re having a good time. What should I do?

The phrase you are looking for is, “Are you having a good time?” I know. I know. It’s hard to think of these things in the moment. You may want to write that one down.

I just want my shy friend to come out of their shell. Is that so bad?

How kind.

Now…some may question your sanity, as you seem to believe you are the charismatic main character on a TV show aimed at teens, but those people are just jealous that the plot always revolves around you.

As we’ve learned from our previous adventures, roughly once a week, quiet people are disturbed loners facing serious confidence issues that can be resolved with a hearty pat on the back and a dose of public humiliation.

I mean, it’s not as if anyone prefers being quiet. That’s just crazy talk. So get in their face and get crackin’, Zack Morris!

I want my quiet friend to try something new and fun. What should I do?

Leave them alone. You probably haven’t done that in a while, and they’ll love every second of it.

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