Ten Things to Do While My Wife is Out of Town

1 – Watch five seconds of every My Little Pony movie that I can find on Netflix, just to see the look on her face the next time she sees our “Recently Watched” queue.

2 – Cover her Kindle screen in catnip oil and see if she ever gets any work done, again.

3 – Put individual chicken feathers everywhere. The closet. Drawers. Pantry. Everywhere. When she asks about it I’ll say, “What? We’ve always had chicken feathers.”

4 – Replace her wicked, black cat with an identical one (but nicer) from a shelter. Recreate all existing pictures of the old cat with the new one. If she notices a difference in his behavior, say that he got a concussion from a battle with our orange cat. Go to bed feeling like a winner.

5 – There will obviously be no need for shaving, bathing, or wearing clothes while she is away. This will cause outcry from my co-workers.

6 – Shave pentagrams onto her cat. Insist that she is the only person who can see them. Back away, slowly.

7 – When she comes home, ask her how long she’s been gone and claim that I thought she was in the bathroom the whole time. Then excuse myself to go the bathroom because I’ve been “holding it forever.”

8 – If she calls, say she’s interrupting my Mean Girls quote-along and hang up.

9 – Replace all coffee options with Postum. Watch her slide into insanity. Or violence. On second thought, this is the worst idea I’ve ever had since letting her adopt a cat without having a Vatican priest test it for demons.

10 – Tell her stories about the tune-ups I did on the cars. It will be true, as far as she knows, and normal vehicle performance will be credited to manly skills I don’t even have. I should throw in a story about fixing some plumbing, too.

Note: I’ve never seen Mean Girls, but it’s quoted on the internet so often that I would probably recognize most of it.

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